what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
