I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
