woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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