I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I fill condoms, not promises.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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