It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
