I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
