remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
