My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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