before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
