ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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