Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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