ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
