Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How's work?
Spinning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
