first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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