Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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