My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
