I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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