I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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