I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
