??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
