Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
