you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it's like iHOP with fire
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
