i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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