Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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