if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
