Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
