I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
