soooo we both peed the bed last night...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
