now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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