when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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