walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
