I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
