Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
