I'm so fucking centered right now
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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