Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
