Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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