The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
