I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
