just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
