I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My cat gives me a boner
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
