I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
