I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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