You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
