You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
