I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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