i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
