just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It's rum buckets o'clock
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
