The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
