If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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