my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize